Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6.
I think we’ve been taught that this verse means that if parents bring their children to church and teach them obedience to God, then after they go through their rebellious stage, they will return to “the church”. I could write a whole article on the devastating misconceptions in this teaching; e.g., the idea that bringing a child to church is what God had in mind when he told parents to train their children, the expectation that all children will rebel and embrace worldliness- at least for a season, and the contentedness with our children returning to “the church” instead of a heart’s cry for them to remain in Christ. But that’s an article for another day. For today, let’s talk about what this verse might actually be about.
I believe this verse is teaching us about individual purpose and design. It’s about getting to know each child and teaching him in a way that fits his personality, spiritual gifts, talents, and interests- or, his unique design. It is a word of guidance to parents concerning how to help their children live their God-given, individual purpose. (Which, incidentally, if they are doing that, there won’t be a so-called rebellious stage, and they will remain in Christ, so “returning to the church” will never be an issue.)
The Amplified Bible says it this way: Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], (emphasis mine) and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6.
This article points out that the Hebrew form used for the phrase “in the way he should go” actually means “his way”. It refers to the child’s particular bent. Used as a noun, the word bent means a special way of doing something, or the special way in which something was designed. When shot from a bow, an arrow will travel in a particular direction, depending on the bow’s bent. This is designed into the bow. If you try to bend a bow differently than the way it is bent, at best you’ll miss your target, at worst, you could break the bow.
Children are not empty buckets, waiting to be filled, or lumps of clay, waiting to be molded into what their parents desire for them. Children, like bows, are designed by God with an individual bent, and a set of gifts to be used for God’s purposes. We as parents are called to recognize this “bent” and to train our children according to their design.
You may be wondering how you can know your child’s individual gifts and bents. I can’t tell you that you will know that all in one day. I can tell you though, that you must start studying your children.
Discovering a child’s learning style is definitely a worthwhile venture, but please don’t stop there. Spend some time learning about spiritual gifts, and how traits like shyness and/ or bossiness may actually be a trait of their God-given gifts. (Susan Scott has some very helpful teaching on this) Find out what they enjoy, what comes naturally to them, and what is difficult. Watch how they react to the situations in life, what motivates them, what scares them, what shuts them down.
Honor your child’s personality. Be very careful not to treat your children like they were made in a factory; all the same. Ask God to open your eyes to the subtle but very important traits that make up your child. Ask Him to show you His vision for your child. Ask Him to teach you how to train your children in the way they should go, in keeping with their individual gifts and natural bents.
When we get to know our children and then train them in such a way that we allow them to find success within who they were created to be, they will not have to depart from it.
Beth Cranford
How do you feel about this topic? Is it new to you? Does it give you a refreshing perspective on education? I’d love to hear your thoughts, please come chat with me in the comments sections below.
I don’t think that teaching them according to their bent will automatically preclude a rebellious stage. I feel that we did that with our children but one of them has certainly chosen to go the rebellious route. I think that if you teach your children according to their “bent”, the chances are less that they will rebel. But in all honesty, I think you have to do the best you can but there are no guarantees. I’ve seen lots of godly families with children who rebelled. I’ve thought and prayed and studied and don’t know why some do and some don’t. I guess it all boils down to free will. We each have to choose who we will serve. Some choose wisely and some don’t.
Over at Home Educating Family they are running a free virtual convention ( http://www.homeschoolconvention.com/hedua/convention/ ) that features a talk with Wally Long, a homeschool father and speaker who has a prodigal son. It’s well worth listening to. He speaks very compassionately to the issue of having our children turn away from the Lord despite our best efforts to do everything “right.” As he so beautifully puts it, we don’t take credit for all of our children’s successes, yet we so easily carry the guilt for their failures. In reality, they like us have free will and just like God does not control us, we do not control our children.
Hi Susan,
Thanks for posting that for us. I’m headed over to listen to it now.
You’re right. Teaching them according to their bent will not necessarily preclude a rebellion. I hope that isn’t the message I conveyed. If I can clarify, what I said was that if a person is living out their God-given purpose, they can not at the same time be in rebellion. It is our job as parents to respect, value, and nurture their design and help them to discover their purpose,gifts, etc.
There’s no formula, if there was we’d all use it. But God does say if we ask for wisdom He will give it. I believe that the wisdom He offers includes insight into our children and how to communicate with them and teach them in a way that “goes well with them”. Keep in mind also that this article is written in the context of education. We can spend 12 years stuffing our kids full of what the state, Grandma, and the neighbors think they should know, and do it in the only way we’ve been taught. I’m suggesting that we look for another way so that we can help our children be truly successful.
I agree, it does boil down to free will. And I think it’s the misinterpretation of this scripture that makes parents think that if they do everything right, their kids will be faithful. I just don’t see that in this verse. I see it as strong advice to get to know our child and not as a call to hand down our religion and rules.
Thanks so much for commenting and giving me a chance to clarify.
Good clarification.
I really, really like this. I think we try so hard to stuff our kids into these molds, but we really need to let them be who they are and know that is okay. I was one who rebelled for a time, but I think in end, my upbringing brought me back (and a responsibility to my own children). I also think that when we create an environment of outreach in our own homes that it helps to foster a lasting christlike attitude! Great article!
Our children ended up being just like us — although it was touch and go for a while! They have to mature and make their own choices, have their own faith. It is our job as parents to do the best we can to train them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.
Hi Beth,
I have always taken Prov. 22:6 like you are taking it – we are to train our kids according to their natural, God-given design. I love near the end of your post when you exhorted parents not only to study their children, but also to ask God to help them ‘see’ how He created them and how best to teach them. I expand that a little further – and also ask Him how to mentor and disciple them, and encourage parents to put the spiritual aspects of children’s development even ahead of the academic parts of their education. Math is important, but character is oh, so much more important. 🙂 Thanks for your insightful post. Oh, thanks, too, for listing my curriculum as part of your list of literature-based curricula. We are in the process of changing over to our new name, which happens to be “Train up a Child Publishing, LLC.” Considering the topic of this post, I just had to share that!May God bless your homeschool, Beth.In Him,Dana WilsonTrain up a Child Publishing LLCEpi Kardia Home Educationepikardia.comdana@epikardia.com
Dana,
Yes, totally agree with asking God how to mentor and disciple our children.
Let me know when your name is changed and I’ll change it on my curriculum list.