Recently in a mentoring group I participate in a desperate mom asked for prayers. She feels like she has lost the joy of parenting and has become a grouchy old lady. She shared, “I am trying to raise godly men, but they are more like wild men lately!”
Oh, how I can feel her frustration. Thankfully she received lots of love and support and some helpful advice from the other moms in the group. That’s why God puts us in community with each other. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. Ecclesiastes 4:10.
What really got my attention and stirred some thoughts I’ve been pondering for quite a while now was her last sentence: “I am trying to raise godly men, but they are more like wild men lately.”
Let me provide some context by saying her children are very young; the oldest is only 7.
When I think about moms getting stressed out and overwhelmed, one question comes to mind.
Why are we putting so much pressure on ourselves and our children?
I think it’s the books we read.
Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s a blessing that we have so many wonderful parenting books and other helpful resources like character and chore charts. The potential danger is the message that parenting is about demanding from your child the maturity and godly character you hope to see in them when they are grown.
We don’t panic when junior draws stick figures instead of photo quality portraits.
Nobody punishes a child for being only 3 feet tall.
We find it endearing when our growing toddler pronounces a word not quite right.
It’s easy to allow for growing room on the physical things. Why are we so impatient and demanding where it really matters — the spiritual things?
If God expected your kids to be able to act like mature adults, parenting would be a much shorter gig, maybe a weekend getaway or something. (<Tweet this)
The Bible is full of verses that speak about obedience, diligence, kindness, thankfulness, and other virtues we refer to as “godly living.” But I don’t see anywhere in scripture that those virtues are expected to come to maturity in small children. It’s a process.
There are many, many things you want your child to be able to do and virtues you want them to display by the time they are grown and on their own. But there are also many, years to learn them. Don’t demand that they learn it all by the time they’re 8.
So what do we do? Just let them run around like monkeys at the zoo and grow up thinking of no one but themselves? (Shall we let them keep on sinning so that grace may abound?) No, we continue to love, teach, and mentor our children. And we give them room to grow. We trust that God is doing a good work in them, and even though they act like children now, the seeds we are planting will take root and bloom into something beautiful.
Here are some pointers I’ve picked up along the way. They help me to let my kids be kids while we nurture them on toward maturity.
- Say yes as often as you can. A beautiful christian mom taught me this. I saw it play out one day when we were visiting her and her husband at their house. Their teenaged kids came in from playing basketball in the rain. They were completely soaked and I can’t say the carpet faired any better. I wondered what the mom would say. Would she be mad? Here is exactly what she said, with a welcoming smile: “Did you have fun?”
- Exchange harsh corrections for gentle reminders. Honey is not only sweeter than vinegar, it’s also more nourishing.
- Never punish a child for something they have not been taught is wrong. And if you’re going to use the reasoning “they should know that without being taught, you better be very careful what standard you use.” Grace is always more effective than coercion.
- Focus on what your child can do instead of constantly requiring more. Yes, you could require that your 3 year old makes his own bed but your energy might be better spent if you make the bed for him but teach him to go to bed nicely. It falls along the lines of choosing your battles. You need to choose your expectations.
- Always try to see things from your child’s perspective. Sometimes just by asking them “Why are you crying?” “Why didn’t you come when I called?” the problem can be solved if you are willing to concede that your child is a person who deserves some common respect.
- Don’t confuse teaching what’s right with demanding what’s right. You wouldn’t like it if you were required to pass an algebra test without ever being taught and given the chance to practice algebra. Childhood is their chance to learn and practice.
- Focus on your own continual growth. Take the time that you were spending reading all the parenting books you can get your hands on and instead, just let God minister to you; let Him heal your hurts, calm your nerves, anoint you with the oil of his grace, and give you the wisdom that no human penned book can give.
- Ease up a little bit. Play more, relax more, stop worrying about making everything “just so.” It’s too stressful and it makes your kids crazy. Shock them by getting into the pool with them, or by staying up late to watch a movie. Get into their world more often, they might be more willing to grow into yours.
- Remember, you’re not in this alone. These are God’s children. He will instruct them (Psalm 32:8).
- Pray for grace. Children can be trying. They will disobey. They will paint their sister with peanut butter and shave the dog. They will even have the nerve to be at their worst when you need them to be at their best. It’s all part of Satan’s little plan to destroy us. But we have been made more than conquerers. And God has given us the grace to be the parents he has called us to be; not perfect, and not expecting perfection, just growing… a little every day.
Image courtesy of chrisrol, and photostock FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Love love this!!
thanks Christin, you know what that means to me!
You are right on target! With my first 2 boys I was so filled with what the books said to do that I didn’t enjoy my babies and toddlers. Now, 10 years later, I’ve relaxed a lot with #5. I give him a pacifier at 3 weeks (oh no!), we’ve co-slept (because it’s easier than getting out of bed to put the paci back in), and I’ve spent HOURS holding him. I NEVER would have done those things with my oldest. But I’ve relaxed. I’ve learned what works for us. And I have confidence in my mothering.
Stephanie,
Isn’t it wonderful when you get to that point where you have the confidence to do what works for you? My 5 year old goes to bed pretty late. I know what all the books say, the marriage books included. But when I put him to bed earlier I get sleepy too, then my evening is lost. So we just let him stay up. It’s what works for us.
Thanks for the comment! Enjoy that baby! (and when people tell you to take away his paci because it will ruin his teeth, I can tell you from two dedicated paci users it’s simply not true.)
I so love this post! Thank you so much for sharing this very good read! I found your tips really helpful and I am really glad to have read this amazing post!
So encouraging!
Thanks KM, I sure don’t have all the answers but I love to share what I’ve learned along the way!
Thanks so much for sharing – I have three boys of my own and there are days when I just look at them and wonder where they came from. Of course, there are far more days when they look at me like that.
Love God and then love others. Those two things will make everything (even bringing up a pack of boys) easier.
Kathryn,
You’re so funny! And you bring up a good point; it’s not all a picnic from the kids’ perspective either! But with love and grace we can not just survive, but thrive.
Great tips! I just told someone the other day my goal is to say “yes” more than “no”. It’s not something that has come easy to me but it makes a huge difference in my kids.
Good for you Tracee, it’s so easy as parents to get too focused on the details and the less important things (like if an activity is going to make a mess, or some noise, or kill bed time). A more relaxed atmosphere gives our kids a lot more room to grow.
This post is full of excellent advice! I especially like the point that parenting takes years. 🙂 I have one son in particular who has been more challenging to parent, but when I think back several years ago, I can see the progress. Looking at the bigger picture is something I will be more intentional about! 🙂
Thanks Jen,
Yes, looking at the big picture can help a lot, as well as looking back and seeing all the things you’ve already overcome. It’s so easy to get caught up in the struggle of the day and feel like we have to “fix this kid” right now or he’ll never be a decent adult and I’ll very likely go insane! But if we can just step back and see that “this too shall pass” it’s usually OK.
This is coming from a mom who just had a very hard day. But I can still say, it’s better to let them learn and grow in grace than to try force them to act how we want them to.
Thanks for stopping by!
This summed up pretty much every good tip from every parenting book I have read! I will print this out as a great reminder to let them be little and relax! I think ‘natural consequences’ are a good teacher and allow parents to be on the more empathetic side as well, so we are working on that right now with our 3 year old.
Toni, thank you so much for the positive, encouraging feedback! I was actually a little bit timid about publishing this one. I was expecting some negative feedback along the lines of “Children need discipline…” but thankfully that hasn’t happened. Hopefully everyone understands that I’m not talking about throwing discipline out the window, just giving the kids and ourselves a whole lot of grace!
With our 5 year old we are working on just 2 issues right now. I don’t make every little thing a learning opportunity or discipline issue. How frustrated would I be if everything I did all day long was wrong or not good enough? Whew, I don’t want to do that to my kids!
Anyway, blessings to you and your family.
This is so true! Thanks for sharing, definitely something we need to remember throughout our parenting years 🙂 Thanks for linking up at Thriving THursday, sweet friend!
Crystal
Love this…I followed a lot of harsh parenting advice when I first started out. Thank God for grace…my olders forgave me and our relationship continues to improve. Parenting my littles with grace I am amazed at how responsive they are and how much they want to please and obey, even the “strong-willed” ones!
Thanks Stephanie! I’m so glad you’ve been released from what I consider to be harmful parenting advise, and are now experiencing the benefits of grace in your home! Isn’t grace an amazing thing? Thanks so much for visiting my site!