Making homemade bread.
Painting walls
Creating a homemaking routine that works.
These are some things that I was determined to get “right” but it took many tries. With each try I learned a little bit more about what I was doing wrong and what I was doing right. I got a little closer, and was even more determined to do better next time. I still can’t say I’m perfect at any of it. Sometimes my homemade bread is the best bread ever. Sometimes it’s hardly edible. But for the most part, I can now say “I make home-made, whole wheat bread.”
I just realized today that I’m having one of those experiences concerning a much more important issue. Something I really want to get “right.” Something that I’ve failed at many times, but I’m still determined to do better.
If you’ve studied the topic of healthy marriage very long, you’ve no doubt heard that, more than anything else, men want to be respected. (Even more than you know what.) I have a tendency to talk things over with my husband, agree to what he says, and then change my mind. At the time I really do agree; I’m not just pretending. That would be lying, and though I’m far from perfect, I don’t lie. I just tend to rethink things, look at it in a different light, and probably more to the point, let the wrong thing influence my decision.
That almost happened today. I’m going to tell you about it only because I know that I appreciate practical examples of abstract concepts. This might not apply to you at all, but it’s a real life example of what respecting my husband can look like for me.
Recently I was asked to be on a team of volunteers to help with a particular event.
After some changes in the agenda and “scope creep” (that is, a huge increase in what I was being asked to do), Joe and I finally decided that it would be best for me not to be involved. I was to let them know today.
But it wasn’t quite that simple. After talking with some of the women involved, I did find out that some of the circumstances had improved. Some things had been sorted out and there weren’t as many things that needed to be done (with only a week to go).
What to do…
Joe and I had already decided I would decline. Yet, things are getting better. I could probably manage to do what they need done without disrupting the family or misplacing my priorities… too much.
In the past, this scenario would have played out by Joe coming in from work only to find out that I had changed my mind and gone against what we had mutually decided. I would explain all of the logical reasons and he, being a very accommodating man, would carry on as if I had not just treated him with disrespect.
But not this time.
This time I remembered. “Your husband wants to be respected.”
What is the best way to respect my husband in this situation? Let’s see: How will he feel when I tell him that I changed my mind? How will he react to me spending seven hours away from the family this weekend, doing something we decided that I wouldn’t do?
Well, when you put it that way, it seems kind of obvious. I needed to stick to the agreement – one based more in principle than preference – and tell the ladies I just couldn’t help this time.
So, after many times of failing, today I got it “right.” Respecting my husband is something I want to get good at. With each try I learn a little bit more about what I’m doing wrong, and what I’m doing right. I get a little closer, and am even more determined to do better next time. I still can’t say I’m perfect at it.
But I can say “I respect my husband.”
(Now, about that event we weren’t going to take the kids to. Would it be so bad if I changed my mind and asked him to take them?)
** What are some ways that you can show respect to your husband? Share in the comments!
Image courtesy of Dan / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Find similar articles at these link-ups:
Above Rubies growing home blog cornerstone confessions time-warp-wife more to be mercy ink blog hip homeschool moms messy marriage
walking redeemed juana mikels to love honor and vacuum deep roots at home my daily walk in his grace w2wministries proverbs 14 verse 1 serving joyfully graced simplicity christian mommy blogger hope in every season
I feel like we have the same problem. I do that a lot too. I’ll make up my mind with my husband’s good advise and input, then change my mind and drop my choice on his lap suddenly. It isn’t fair to him, and I’m working on that…as well as interrupting him when he speaks… women sometimes think that their husbands are the disrespectful ones, but I find that a lot of the time it really is me that has to apologize. A book that helped me a lot on this issue is “The Surrendered Wife” by Linda Doyle(I think). Lovely post!
Check out my blog at:
dreamingofperfect.weebly.com
Hannah, I’m so glad you left this comment because I wasn’t sure if this post would be relevant. Maybe I’m the only wife who does this quirky little thing. I mean respecting our husbands applies to us all, but I wasn’t sure if anyone could relate to my example. I’m glad I decided to go ahead. I’ll check out that book you mentioned, and I’ll head on over and check out your site too. Thanks for stopping by!
This reminds me of when we’re trying to decide where to go for dinner on date nights. I’m always so worried about the cost since it comes from grocery money. Beth’s post brought it into the light.
Laura
Harvest Lane Cottage
Such a good point Laura! I sometimes ask myself similar questions. “Would I have spoken to (fill in the blank with a person outside my home) that way?” It’s just so easy to slip into not giving our respect to the people we love most because of familiarity, but we need be watchful of that.
I really appreciate that you gave a concrete example of what respecting your husband looks like. Next time I find myself in a similar situation, I hope this comes to mind and that I intentionally choose respect! 🙂
Hi Jen! So glad this was helpful to you!
thanks for posting this Beth. While my “quirk” is a little different than yours, I still needed to be reminded how important it is to give my husband the respect he deserves. And the book that Hannah mentioned, The Surrendered Wife is very good!
thanks Betty, I’ve added that book to my Amazon wish list!
I think we as women do that all the time without noticing, disrespecting our husbands without intending to. Or we sometimes forget because the actual subject is not important to us. A couple of days ago my husband asked me to do something the next day, and I totally forgot to do it. I felt so bad because it meant he couldn’t make progress on the bathroom walls because they weren’t dry. I could have kicked myself for not writing a note and putting it on the fridge to remind me that I needed to do it.
Susan, as I was reading this my first thought was “But your forgot, how is that disrespectful”. Then I thought about how much we would complain if our husband’s forgot something and we’d see it as not a simple mistake but something more along the lines of him being disrespectful. And the same with our kids. We don’t let them get away with the “I forgot” excuse too many times in a row! So, like you said, taking the time to write yourself a note would have shown that you cared enough to make sure you remembered! Thanks for another good example.
I’ve this scenario play out in my home, only too often I don’t get it right. Your post has me thinking about how often I come back to my husband, because I’ve changed my mind, and want him to change his mind so I can move ahead with what I’d really like to do.
This can be a sign of discontent, lack of trust and faith, disrespect. I have much to learn! Thank you for sharing this lesson with us.
Our poor husbands! The things we put them through. 🙂
But we’re learning and growing, and hopefully they’re patient with us!
I can show respect by keeping my mouth shut. Ha ha. Or not nagging.
Aw, Christin, did you have to bring that one up? Ha ha.
I feel sad about all the writers/counselors on the internet, who find the need to write blogs to wives about being respetful and submissive to their husbands. I ask why you all do this and where are the blogs to husbands?
Is this movement of articles to wives, a subtle movement to hurt and degrade wives?
Why do men not write blogs to men about loving and honoring their wives?
Did you all know that God has responsibilities to the husbands? They among other duties are to be loving servant leaders. We must not ignore men’s sins and we must not preach to women all the time. Something is wong in America and all over the world, if we scold women and not men! 7-17-13
Hi Zaylee,
I’m so glad you took the time so write this comment. All I can do is answer for myself.
First of all, no. This is not some kind of movement to hurt and degrade wives. Sticking to my word when my husband and I have agreed on something is in no way degrading to me. It is actually honoring to me and makes me a better person than if I just changed my mind at will regardless of what commitments I’ve already made.
I can’t speak for why more men aren’t writing to men about how to treat their wives. My best guess is, the men that have the most wisdom on these mattes are busy working 50 hour work weeks and then coming home and being involved with their families. I’m guessing by your tone that you may not believe that to be true but I assure you it is.There are many men out there obeying God’s word and loving their wives just as they were commanded by God.
Just because I write about a wife’s responsibilities in a marriage, that does not in any way negate a husband’s. But I don’t write to men. I write to women. I also don’t write about what God teaches my husband. I write about what God teaches me.
I see a lot of hurting people in the world today. Satan has fed us the lie that honoring someone is somehow degrading to us. Nothing could be more untrue and hurtful. There is nothing more fulfilling than a God-honoring marriage. It’s not always easy,but it’s worth it.
Now, about that question that people ask; what if my husband isn’t respectable? My quick answer is this. It’s not about what he deserves. It’s about what kind of person God is calling you to be. Respectful. Just like with God’s love, it’s not about what we deserve. It’s about who he is. He is love. And we are the happy recipients.
Finally, I hope this article came across as encouraging, not scolding. I find it to be a great joy to come one step closer to being the kind of woman God has called me to be. I know other women do to, and that is why I share what I learn.
The reason why men do not write to men is because they are not relational like women. And we are not responsible for their actions, only ours.
It’s very difficult for women to try and spur on or challenge men when we are not built the same way. Women relate better with women which is why we encourage, empower, and challenge each other.
Do you not believe women should respect their husbands?
Thank you for this specific example. I’m taking a class called Love and Respect at church with my husband. Loving’s easy. Respect? What does that really look like? Yes sir! Yes sir! That’s all I could think of.
I rethink things and second guess myself all the time. Your example made it clear how this can be disrespectful. I’m going to work at mending my ways!
Thank you!
Laura Lane
Harvest Lane Cottage
Carthage, MO
Laura, I’m so glad this example helped you. Of course there is more to respect than that, but this was a good place for me to take some notes! I think when it comes to knowing what is respecting your husband it might help to think of the opposite. What things seem disrespectful? Maybe interrupting when he’s talking? Speaking to him like a child? Sharing his weaknesses in public or with your friends? Expecting him to fail? Those are just a few examples, if we do the opposite, we’ll be moving more toward actively respecting our husbands.
One thing that helped me understand respect for my husband is a bit embarrassing to admit. I thought to myself, “Would I speak to my pastor like this?”
Why should I treat another man with more respect than I treat my husband?
It’s amazing that I’ve been married to my high school sweetheart since 1986 without having a good grasp on this concept. Thank God for grace!
Laura
Beth, thank you for your honesty. I have definitely done this before as well. Learning to respect my husband means honoring his decisions.
Thanks for linking up with Woman to Woman’s Word Filled Wednesday!
Jenifer
Sometimes it’s about honoring his decisions even if I disagree. (This can bring up a whole new can of worms. I’m not talking about obedience, just to make sure no one gets the wrong idea here.) And sometimes it’s about sticking to the decision we made together. It’s not fair of me to go off and change my mind after we’ve come to an agreement. Not to say I can never go back to him with new information or a different thought, but the habit of changing things once we’ve discussed it is disrespectful. How would I feel if he did that to me on a regular basis? (It’s interesting what we women will comfortably do to our husbands that we wouldn’t put up with from them.)
Interesting topic Beth. Respect by definition is to admire someone’s abilities, achievements, or qualities and we all want to feel this way toward our husbands yet it can be challenging at times. My biggest challenge is not interrupting–he talks slow. I’m aware of it so I often have to curb my urge to finish his sentence. Ha!
Yes Kim, I have to work on interrupting too. Not because he talks slowly but because he takes longer than I would to make a point. I’m so efficiency driven I hate for him to waste a bunch of words that weren’t necessary. I know! It’s crazy and it must be stopped! 😉
Great post, Beth…and wonderful analogy! One of the hardest lessons that I learned in this area of life was in the early years of marriage when I would make decisions without consulting him first. For example…a friend calls and says, “Can we do dinner together tomorrow?” I respond with, “Sure. We’ll meet you there at 6.” Hubby comes home from work…”Oh, we’re having dinner with the Smiths tomorrow night.” He responds with, “Tomorrow is not good, honey. I have a rough day on Thursdays.” So, I end up having to call the friend and cancel and reschedule… That is a very simple example…they were rarely that simple… 😛 Thanks for the encouragement that we are still learning and becoming what God wants us to be.
I did that too Hillary! And so many times the thing I had planned was truly not what my husband wanted to do, but he did it anyway. I’m thankful that he is easy going but I had to learn that that doesn’t give me license to take advantage of that. Now I really try to consider his schedule/plans, etc. before making any plans. Some might find that offensive that a woman would be in such submission but I think it’s common courtesy.
This is a great example, Beth. It’s so true to life and so subtle that many times we compromise, thinking our husbands will understand. Thanks for being vulnerable enough to share this and I’m glad you made the right choice this time! Thanks for linking up at Wedded Wed too. 🙂
Thanks Beth! I’ll be sure and link up again any time I have a relevant post! Thanks for offering the link-up!
Thank you for sharing a good reminder and for setting a great example! We sometimes forget that when we choose to respect our husbands, we are also choosing to obey God.
That’s what it’s all about Tami. It’s allowing God to make us into who he has called us to be.
I am not a troll. Forgive me, if I am being too adamant in making my point. Iwill write this then slow down on writing comments.
But one point I need to make is that women work too. Kind of unfair for us to use that cliche so much about wives and them working outside of the home .I take big issue with that comment . That’s al ow blow to working women, as I, and practically/most all of my female relatives, friends, neighborhood women, and women in my church, all work or have worked their 25 or 30 years and some of us are still working. Such a hurtful comment that is overused to women. Not only did most of us work, but still took care of home and family and still were available to their husbands demands.
I wasn’t implying at all that women don’t work. I was simply making the point that many women who have time to blog on a regular basis are stay-at-home moms or at least only work part time. They are by no means less “busy” than their husbands but they do have more freedom to work a blog into their daily life than a man working a job might have. It was merely a speculation as to why there aren’t more men writing to men about how to be a good husband.
There are plenty of resources out there that do just that.
The real point is, whether or not there are articles out there for men is not my responsibility, nor will I stop sharing with women what I know to be true just because there aren’t as many men doing the same.
This article was written to women who are interested in doing their part in creating a healthy marriage. It did not address the man’s role in the marriage nor did it intend to. I am not called to respect my husband only if he is respectable.Just like he is not called to love me only if I am lovable. Nothing I am called to do or be is contingent on another person’s behavior. You see, it’s all about Christ making me more like himself. It has nothing to do with who deserves it. It also has nothing to do with what my husband has been called to do. That’s a different article for a different writer.
I’m truly sorry if this topic is difficult for you, perhaps your husband isn’t obeying what he was called to do. But I can’t change what the Bible says, or just let it go unsaid, because it is difficult. We can only control our own behavior. Doing it God’s way might not bring the results we’re hoping for because it does involve the reactions and free will of another person. But we don’t obey to get results. We obey because we love the Lord and we trust his ways. And I do believe that in most circumstances, when one person does the right thing, good things happen.
Thank you so much for linking up at Woman to Woman Ministries. I loved your post. I have been in your shoes many times. I’m still learning that respecting my husband is the best way. They want our respect, support and encouragement more than anything. Thank you for this reminder!
All for Him,
Shari
Thanks Shari! I enjoy doing the link ups and am so amazed at the talented writers who God is using to encourage so many women. I feel blessed to be part of it all!
Beth, I love that you shared this example of choosing to show respect to your husband. I couldn’t agree more with the message you’ve written here. The Bible is very clear that women are to submit to their husbands and husbands are to love their wives like Christ loves the church. God’s word is there for us to live by because He knows what works and what doesn’t. Kudos to you for showing your man how much you truly love and respect him. 🙂
Thanks Rosann, I’m definitely a work in progress. But like you said, God knows what works so I really do want to learn to do things His way, even when it goes against my selfish nature!
With 6 children, 11 down to 8 months, there is a lot I forget. For this reason it is a must that I make a to do list. But when I forget something that really needed to go on that list? Well I just want to kick myself because it tends to be a domino affect. Now my husband can’t complete such-and-such because I forgot to…..
The one thing that I am glad for is forgiveness, which he shows me everyday.
Yes, where would we be without forgiveness? Don’t be too hard on yourself, just keep doing your best. And you’re right, a to do list helps a lot!
Thanks, Beth, for this encouraging and convicting reminder to be intentional about respecting our husbands. I think often I think I’m doing well because I’m not intentionally *disrespecting* my husband…but in my busy-ness and trying to keep all the balls in the air, I’m not being intentional about showing respect, either, if that makes sense. I’ve realized recently that I need to be more intentional about showing respect.
And Zaylee…while I agree with Beth that there are more women bloggers writing to women than men bloggers writing to men, there are definitely male bloggers out there who are encouraging and admonishing the males in their roles as the spiritual leader of the home. There are some excellent blogs out there for husbands/dads. But I know in my sphere of friends/acquaintances, the men are more likely to encourage/admonish each other one on one or in small groups than through a blog. There are also other resources for men…books, videos, etc. on how to be a godly husband and father. And of course, the greatest resource should be a strong, Bible-teaching church. Blogging is just one little part of that. And as Beth said, as women, our responsibility is to make sure we are doing what God has commanded us to do. We aren’t responsible to God for our husbands…they are accountable to God for their own hearts and behavior.
Makes perfect sense Jen! Thanks for your comment, and for sharing your thoughts and insights with Zaylee.
I love this. I have been learning a lot in my marriage too. You are right that it takes time and we make the same mistakes over and over and then all of a sudden with God’s help we start to get it. Thanks for such a great post.
I linked here from Fellowship Fridays and thought you might want to link this post at the linkup I host called Essential Fridays.
http://www.essentialthingdevotions.com
I’m sure my readers would love to see this!
Blessings.
Mel, thanks for letting me know about your linkup, I went over and linked this post now I’m going to go read some of the articles there and poke around your site a bit. Nice to meet you!
Hi Beth! Wonderful post, and yay for you for honoring what was agreed upon with your husband! I love that you asked us how we could show our hubbies respect because it made me think…One thing I have failed miserable about is correcting my hubby in front of my daughter who is blind. I seem to think it is ok to make an exception because she is blind. God won’t let me get away with it, & after I blow it & try to explain why I disagree with him re: something about our daughter (right in front of our daughter)!!! It undermines him, but I wrongly justify it thinking hmmmm….. he just doesn’t understand the way girls think, etc. I’m so wrong to disagreed with him in front of her (or any of our children) for it is like shooting myself in the foot! It not only shows disrespect of him, but it weakens our family. Thank you for this post.
P.S. Thank you for you sweet message you posted under “Mary’s Story” 🙂 I replied to your comment, but I have no idea if my software sends you an email when I reply to comments. Did it?
I’d love you to post every Wed on my link up. (are you already on my email reminder? May I send you that when the link is live? If so, please email me at juanamikels(at)gmail(dot)com & I will send it to you weekly! Sorry this got so long!
Hi Juana! Unfortunately, all of the areas that you all have brought up as something you struggle with, I struggle with those too! I correct my husband in front of the kids too. Like you said, it’s not only disrespectful but it weakens the parental team. Of course there will be times we disagree, when one parent has more insight into a particular situation, but those things need to be worked out in private. Sometimes he just doesn’t have the whole story, like if he tells a child no,(to something insignificant) not knowing I already said yes. Then I’ll just tell him and he’s fine with that. It’s always a work in progress, and I think just being aware of these things is a big step toward seeing improvement.
I’ll send you a message about the other things you mentioned.
What an excellent, beautiful post and a much needed message. This is such an insidious poison yet we don’t even realize we’re drinking it. You have given me much to consider in how I might be disrespecting my own husband without knowing it. Thank you so much for linking up last week!
Aw, thanks Kasey! Good point about the insidious poison. Hopefully by sharing our experiences we can keep each other from falling into drinking these poisons!
I’ll be back for another link-up when I have another relevant blog post! (I’m not a consistent blogger).
Good for you!! It’s so important that we keep our word and respect the decisions we’ve made as a team (or that our husbands make for us! 🙂 What a blessing to feel peaceful about sticking to the plan…I’m sure he appreciated it!
Blessings!
Mrs. Sarah Coller
Sarah, he did appreciate it. I asked him to help me with the formatting of the post before I told him what it was about, or that I had even debated changing my mind. After he read it he just said, kindly and simply, “Thank you, I appreciate that”. It didn’t need to be a big hoopla, just a simple noticing and appreciating. (And he did take our son to that event I alluded to at the end!)