This is the story of my commitment for 2019; to take time to write.
The last time I posted anything on this blog was April 4, 2017.
Before that, January 1, 2017.
two thousand sixteen.
That makes me sad.
It’s not that I haven’t wanted to write, or that I haven’t missed sharing my heart with—and hearing from— you, my beautiful friends who read my feeble words. In fact, (true confession ahead) I started writing this post on May 19, 2017, conflicted with both a strong desire to be writing again, and an almost palpable wall, preventing me from doing so. As if to prove the struggle was real, the words sat on my computer for almost 20 months.
A conversation with my dear friend Crystal had prompted a question that I’ve been trying to answer ever since.
I had mentioned to Crystal that I feel like God ministers to me through the writing process, that he reaches me there. It got me thinking; if that’s the case, then why have I stopped writing?
Where have the words gone?
Have I run out of worthwhile things to say? (And my inner critic asks, “Did I ever have anything worthwhile to say?)
I do know this; I can’t write anything worth reading if I’m not living. So I’ve been trying to live; to nurture friendships, use my gifts to minister at church, and spend consistent time with my family and with The Lord. It’s been life giving, and has given me much to share with you in the months to come.
Am I being lazy?
I told Crystal, and my other dear friend, Penny, that I don’t know if it’s God holding me back, or if it’s me! Writing takes a certain amount of emotional energy. Maybe I’ve been (mis)spending that energy elsewhere and I just don’t have enough left for writing.
But could it be God?
Maybe God has not released me to write because he wants my full attention in this season as he is doing a significant work in my heart. Pray for me, that I will respond to his leading quickly, and wholeheartedly.
Is he protecting me from writing (and you from reading) truths that I don’t fully believe yet?
There are truths I believe in my head but my heart is just a few steps behind. I can’t write about something, asking you to believe it, if I haven’t fully embraced it myself through my personal walk with God. Maybe he’ll ask me to share what I’ve learned once we come to the other side of the journey he has me on at the moment. (If not, that’s okay. Sometimes God does something in us that is meant just for us. How sweet a God he is, to spend time on just one person for her benefit alone. Know that he will do the same for you!)
I don’t know, maybe it’s a mix of all of the above…
Or maybe it’s none of the above.
It’s not a question God has answered for me, and that’s okay. He may never tell me why, but I think he’s telling me “when.” Lately he’s been showing me through little nudges, and strong encouragement from some of you, that it’s time to make space to write.
Notice I didn’t say, “It’s time to write.”
Because I can’t just write.
Writing is not something I can do “in the margins” of a full schedule and with an anxious heart. I have to make space for it; in my schedule and in my heart.
I need to be still long enough to feel,
and to sit with the words as they flow… or don’t flow.
So I’m making space to write.
I’ve started some new habits and reestablished some old ones, and I want to share them with you. I’m guessing you would love to find some “space” in your soul too;
to just be.
I invite you to come along with me this year as I make time to breathe, and then to write. I’m prayerfully planning some fun things for us to do together as we learn to care for our souls.
And speaking of caring for our souls…
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