That’s it! I’ve Had Enough! It’s Time to fight!
I’ve always been a little bit on the sassy side, willing to say what I think, fight for what I want, and stand up for what I believe. Hopefully I’ve matured a little and have learned to apply that trait more appropriately.
I haven’t had a good fight lately, probably due to my matured ability to choose my battles and let things go. But, I’m writing today to let the world know that I have been presented with a battle and I have chosen to fight.
The battle I’m fighting is depression. It is by far the darkest, most debilitating trial I’ve experienced to date. Oh, I’ve had other difficulties, I’ve experienced the following and more:
Extreme loneliness and isolation
Lost love
Overwhelming college classes
Husband’s unemployment
Infertility
Difficult and possibly life-threatening pregnancies (two)
Baby with an APGAR score of “1”
Having to leave home and family (and move several states away)
Financial insecurity
Debt
A sick baby
38 months of sleepless nights
Church crises
Extended family crises
Overwhelm, self-doubt, and feelings of failure
I know there are worse things that can happen and many people have experienced them. I cannot compare depression to anything I haven’t experienced. But for me, it is the deepest darkness of all.
The first two times I dealt with depression it was postpartum. Any reading I did on the subject was strictly about postpartum depression and it was for the purpose of trying to understand what I was currently experiencing. I hoped that if I could understand it better I could fight it better. I never really did arrive at an understanding, but God faithfully brought His light into my darkness.
My third experience was also a response to a physical event, though it wasn’t child birth. This time I experienced “post-surgery depression”. Who knew? That was the first hint I had that I might be vulnerable to depression outside the occurrence of child birth.
When the clouds of that depression started to lift, I started doing some more reading. I knew that there would come a time when I didn’t feel the need to research depression because I would feel fine. One doesn’t feel a strong need to learn to fight depression when she feels like she has already overcome it. Looking objectively at what I had experienced, I was beginning to see that even though I was healing from this particular occurrence, it would probably be back. I decided it was time I start learning about this illness in general and not just about postpartum depression. If this was going to hit me again, I wanted to be prepared.
So, I read a book or two.
And then I felt better and started focusing on other things. Not feeling the burden of deep depression, I wasn’t driven to learn to fight it.
Several months later I began to accept the reality that I was still dealing with a low level of depression. I went to my doctor and agreed to take a higher dose of Zoloft. Still, I didn’t feel compelled to learn more and equip myself to fight. I think at that point I had resigned myself to letting the medicine fight for me.
Shorty after that I discovered the most frightening truth of my life. For the first time, I experienced deep, terrifying depression that was not in response to a physical stimulus. In the preceding months I had allowed myself to be pulled into an intense spiritual battle; one that had actually been silently brewing for many years, and one that I plan to write about in the future. One Friday evening, this battle was brought to a crucial climax. In the course of about an hour, I was brought into accountability by a loved one while at the very same time offered grace, support, and forgiveness. I don’t know if you’ve ever experienced those emotions at the same time, but it’s a pretty powerful mix. After crying until I felt sort of dead, I thought I would join my family and try to have a normal evening. I was shocked at what happened instead. In a matter of moments I went from feeling like things would be okay to having a panic attack and sinking into a deep depression. I saw myself in the hospital on heavy medication. I was terrified that I would never be well again. I now knew that not only was I vulnerable to depression outside of child birth, but outside the incidence of any kind of physical trauma.
God ministered to me through my husband that night and throughout the following week. I was shocked and thankful that this round of depression only lasted about a week. (I say only to compare it to how long it could have lasted, not to in any way imply that a week of depression does not feel like an eternity.)
Since then I’ve had one more dip into depression, probably because I decided to decrease my medicine (due to some side effects) and we decreased it too quickly. Eventually, I plan to decrease my medicine and hopefully stop it altogether. But here is one thing I know:
I am prone to depression. And it’s time I started fighting back.
Within a week after that critical night, God showed me just how powerful He is, and just how much He loves me. He swept in and pulled me from that battle, healed my wounds, and He finished it Himself. My enemy tried to pull me back into that battle, and my flesh was tempted to listen. But by the grace of God, I’m learning to recognize the weapons that Satan uses against me. More importantly:
I know Who is on my side and that no weapon that’s fashioned against me will stand.
Concerning this specific spiritual battle, other battles to come, and the battle against depression, I am declaring that “The battle belongs to the Lord.” And He has already won.
I’m picking up my armor today. I’m going to put my tendency to fight to good use. I’ll be writing about it as I go along in case there is anyone out there who may be blessed by what I’m learning. If you would like to receive notices when I post thoughts/articles about this topic, please sign up for my mailing list to your right.
Thank you for reading. I pray that if this issue has touched your life in any way, whether depression has affected you or a loved one, that you will find some kind of help, comfort, courage, or relief through what I’ll be sharing in the coming weeks.
If you have friends who may be blessed by this article and the ones to follow, please consider clicking the “Share” button below. I humbly ask for your prayers as I approach this battle and as I attempt to bless others by being transparent and sharing my experience. I know I have already gained the victory through Jesus Christ. Please pray that His power would be evident, and the He will use this to not only make me victorious but many others as well.
For other articles in this series, click here.
Keep Fighting! bless you!
Thanks Kat, I will!
Depression has less to do with what is happening TO you, than what is happening IN you. I’m glad you know that God has this fight, but that it’s not one of enough willpower or enough faith. Thank you for sharing, Beth.
Thanks Jemma, I like how you put that. Sometimes the things that happen TO you can be trigger, but it really is more about what’s happening IN you, like you said. And that’s on a physical level as well as spiritual, mental, and emotional. I personally think that when the physical variables are not “right” the other things aren’t going to be right either.
I have experienced depression too, and I admire your willingness to be vulnerable and open. I’m sorry people have expressed their ignorant assumptions – NOT helpful! Praying for you, Beth! Love you!
Thanks Amy! Love you too!
Funny – I’d opened this post before we left the house tonight, but only just now had the chance to read it. I fight with you! I decided a few years ago that I only have two choices (fight or give in) but I REFUSE to give in to it or let it take over my life. I’ve learned to recognize when it is about to start up many times, and have learned a few tools that are beneficial to me personally. Thankfully, God has given me an understanding and supportive husband. And I could.not.agree.more. with your post script. I have prayed my way through a bout of depression and felt God’s presence throughout. That didn’t mean I was instantly better, but I was able to lean on Him. It makes a big difference! Thank you for your transparency. It’s always nice to know who’s in the fight with you!
This is Carrie, btw – I thought my name would show up, but it put my email instead. Oh well!
Carrie, you and Amy need to get a Gravatar!
And I need to stop telling people what to do!
http://en.gravatar.com/
Hey Carrie,
I’m glad you chose to fight! We can fight together!
I’m wondering if you’d like to share (in a personal email to me) some of your tools that you’ve found to be helpful. I just want to share as much as I can with people who fight with us.
Yes, faith is a huge part of having any hope of getting through depression. But to say that people only get depressed when they don’t have faith is just plain wrong and hurtful. It’s no more accurate than saying people only get cancer or diabetes because they didn’t have enough faith. I have to say, that bumper sticker that says “too blessed to be depressed” just makes me want to scream. It really is a self-righteous thing to say. But I’m happy that person isn’t depressed because I wouldn’t wish it on anyone!
I love your willingness to be so open. I struggle with this on a smaller scale, but have had a hard time admitting that it was indeed depression. I look forward to seeing more!
Leslie,
It might not be necessary for you to admit to others right now, except maybe your husband. But I think it’s important to admit it to yourself and to God. Ask God to show you what you need and to provide for you the resources you need, whether that’s medical attention, friendship, counseling, all of the above…
If you are easily discouraged by the opinion of others, you might want to be careful who you talk to, but I do encourage you to find a friend who not only understands but will hold you accountable and push you toward taking care of yourself.
Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world!
1John 4:4b
As I said earlier in my personal message to you – welcome to my world! Having battled depression for over 30 years, but only having been properly diagnosed 12 years ago I know what a difficult road this is for anyone. Please keep the FAITH that God will take care of us! Thank you again for bringing this out into an open forum.
Thank you for joining the battle. I am so glad you recognized it and ARE fighting it, turning to God for rest and comfort. Forgiving yourself is often part of the healing and fighting (don’t let the Dark One tell you otherwise.)
I’ve gone off medication (and fought long and hard through darkness before turning back). Think long and carefully before you decide it’s the right thing for you, given your long history of being prone to depression. Realize that depression is a real disease and while many non-medical things we do can improve our performance and reduce our need for medication; the chronic relapse-remission type nature of the disease can fool one into thinking that medication is no longer needed.
I am not sure if you are aware of this other homeschooling mom blogger, but you may find some support at Kimberly’s site. peacefulmom.com
Dineen,
Thanks for the link for Kimberly’ site. I’ll check that out right now (as I take a break from preparing the bathroom for paint!)
I agree with you about my need to be very careful about my decision to try to go off the meds. I will take the decision slowly and carefully. It might turn out that I just decrease it in order to alleviate some side effects that I’m having, or switch to a different kind. I don’t want to imply in any way that I have a problem with me or anyone taking depression meds if that’s what is needed. And if I had to put up with the side effects in order to stay healthy, that’s what I would do, but hopefully not.
You’re right about the relapse-remission nature of depression. It’s so easy to slip back into patterns of “not fighting” when I think I’ve conquered it. That’s why I’ve declared that this time, I’m not going to do that.
I can tell you know what you’re talking about, and I’ve always been one to try to listen to wise counsel, especially when it comes from a heart that wants to help, like your.
Thanks for reading and for commenting.
Thanks Beth for blogging about this. I too fight this monster daily. If it were not for the help of the Comforter that lives within, I don’t think I would make it from one day to the next. I have a history of depression in my family. Two family members committed suicide, one is bi-polar and numerous members are on medicine for depression. I also have both lupus and fibromyalgia, both of which can cause depression. I also have a disabled daughter that I take care of daily. Praise God I have a wonderful husband who understands. This problem is real and being a christian does not CURE it. It does give you more tools to fight with than someone who doesn’t have God on their side, but it is still a disease! I appreciate people like you that will step up and put words to the fact that millions of christians suffer with this daily.
Lorene,
I’m sorry to hear that you struggle daily with depression, but I can definitely empathize. And sometimes just knowing that someone “knows” can help. I’m so glad your husband supports you, mine does too, and I don’t know how I’d survive without that. Keep fighting, and keep checking back, I’m going to be sharing a lot of information as I learn. I’ve already learned a lot and I’m excited to know and be able to share that there are many, many things we can do to keep this monster at bay.
When I was a teenager, I often felt despair, and I think it was connected to my not having hope. I realized that Satan was feeding me lies about my worthlessness. It took me years to realize that I could stop my train of thought and choose to think something else, even when my hormones were dragging me down. Later as an adult with the pregnancy of my 3rd son, I felt like crying all the time. But I knew that I loved my life, and that it was only hormones. I self-medicated on chocolate. I also didn’t ask myself why I was sad. That was a lethal question for me, spiraling me down the wrong road in my mind. Instead, I would throw out any negative thought, and replace it with all the things I loved in my life, including my family and God’s Word. Most women struggle on and off with different levels of depression, so this is a great topic to discuss!
Susan,
You’ve hit on an important point that I plan to write about in more detail soon. It’s taking every thought captive. Depression is a physical illness but it affects us emotionally and mentally. It distorts our thoughts (or more truthfully, Satan uses it to distort our thoughts) so that they seem real and accurate. We must hold each thought captive to the truth.
Even if someone isn’t dealing with clinical depression it’s important to take every thought captive. Anyone can get dragged down and enticed into all variety of sin just by allowing negative thoughts to go unchecked.
Depression can not be fought by positive thoughts alone. But it can most certainly be made worse allowing yourself to listen to lies, and healing is closer when you choose to only allow truth into your mind and heart.
Beth,
I had no idea of the extent to which you were suffering. My dad has Aspergers and also has suffered through bouts of severe depression over the years. I haven’t gone through that myself, but growing up with a parent who did, I know that it’s a very, very tough thing to live with. I will be keeping you in my prayers. I know it must be doubly hard when you have the pressure to always be there for your kids and homeschooling on top of everything. I am confident God will continue to give you the grace and energy you need.