This post is part of a blog series on a topic that is weighing heavy on my heart. As I look around I’m seeing busy people all around me, and fewer meaningful, mutually edifying relationships. I’ve personally been hurt by our culture’s lack of community, and I know from what I see that I’m not the only one. I’m on a mission to create community in my life and to encourage you to do the same.
Building community often begins with reaching out and offering an open heart (and schedule) to someone else. Today I’m thinking about that tired Mom who sits near you in church.
I was that tired mom for over three years. It’s much too long of a story to tell it here, but suffice it to say that the first 3 ½ years after my son was born were extremely difficult. We were tired, we were lonely, and we were nearly hopeless.
There were so many times when I needed help and yet what I got more of was advice, and usually not even useful advice. I wonder now what could have been different had someone offered a helping hand and a listening ear.
Is there a tired mom (or dad) in your church or social circle? Maybe you want to help in some way but you’re not sure what you could do. You don’t even know her very well, you can’t just walk up and say “Hey, you look tired, how can I help?” (Actually, you can, if that’s what it takes, but we’ll look at some other options.
Having been that tired mom, here are a few things that I’ve learned about how you can help:
First: You have to notice.
I know life is busy, you’ve got your own stuff to deal with, your own kids to corral at church, and your own close friends to support. But I challenge you today to look up. Look up from your life and see someone who needs you. She’s not going to come to you. She’s tired, she’s lonely, and she’s using everything she has to get through the day.
She probably doesn’t need your advice.
But even if she does, she’s a lot more likely to listen after you’ve given her your ear. Spend some time with her. Listen to her without trying to figure out what is causing her problems and how you think she should fix them.
Find out what she needs. Is she desperate for someone who has walked the path she’s walking to just spend time with her? Not to dole out sage advice and then be gone, but to be there, sharing life as it comes along? Maybe she just needs to be reminded that it gets easier. Or maybe a dinner at your house would be nice.
Offer specific help.
Do not say “let me know if there’s anything I can do for you”. She won’t.
Instead, say “I’d love to bring you dinner, what night this week would bless you the most?
Or “We miss having little ones around. How about you bring them to me this Thursday at about 10:00. I’ll keep them until around 2:00 and you go do whatever you need to do (like go home and take a long nap).”
Telling her to let you know if there is anything you can do is way too vague. She needs to know precisely what you are able and willing to offer.
Three Magic words
There are a number of ways you could help. Remember to be specific. But something else you can do is to make sure she knows you mean it. My husband pointed out to me the three little words that almost always help a person to drop their defenses and to accept help.
I have time.
Stop and imagine yourself in the situation of needing some kind of help. Someone says to you “Let me know if you need anything.” You’re thinking of a million ways someone could be a blessing to you but you don’t ask for any of them. Why? Because you’re not sure what they’re offering (see above point) and you know they’re busy.
Now, imagine instead, that someone comes to you and says that they’ve noticed you’ve had a lot going on lately and that you must be tired. They offer a few different ways they’d like to help and then they say “I have time.”
You’re immediately relaxed and feel like you’ve been given permission to accept their help.
So don’t forget, when offering a helping hand, say these three magic words; “I have time”.
Of course pray for her.
If you know her at all, ask if you can pray with her.
Let’s not undervalue the power of prayer. Sometimes there really isn’t much we can do to offer tangible help. But we can bring her name before the Lord. I wrote about that in greater detail here, because I want us to remember that prayer is not just what we offer when we have nothing “real” to offer.
But be careful here. A prayer without a hand can sometimes be a bitter-sweet offering. If there is something tangible you can do, do it.
Get your husband to talk to her husband.
Have your husband offer his hand in service to the tired dad. (Yes, he’s probably tired too.) Of course men are different from women, he’ll have to be a little more careful with his wording.
If there is any kind of relationship between her husband and yours, yours can graciously encourage hers to find out how he can best serve his wife. Does he need to do a little more around the house? Take the kids out for an evening (not 30 minutes) so mom can get some housework done or just have some quiet time? Give him ideas on how he can bless his wife. Sometimes men just don’t notice, or if they do, they don’t really know how to help. A little bit of practical advise can go a long way.
An evening off
Inviting the family over for dinner can be a big blessing. It offers the mom a night off from worrying about dinner. Perhaps even more than that though, it offers friendship. Friendship often takes a back seat when a family is busy with young children. An evening to relax and just enjoy your company might be just what the doctor ordered! (And you might be surprised how refreshing it is for you too!)
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I’m so thankful for the people in my life who have, at different times, offered their time and energy to help me when I was in need. I know you’re equally thankful for those people in your life. Let’s offer that same helping hand to those around us and use it as a first step to building God-centered community right where we are.
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Linking up with:
servingjoyfully.com gracedsimplicity.com childrenareablessing.org christianmommyblogger.com essentialthingdevotions.com lauraconnell.com
Terrific ideas! Thank you!
You’re welcome Julia!
What wonderful, thoughtful advice — which can only be given by someone who has lived through being tired herself. Encouraging, non-condescending, and kind. We can all use that, can’t we?
I’m so glad you said “non-condescending”. It’s’ difficult to know sometimes, just how we’re coming across when we communicate it writing, and I’d never want to be condescending!
Thanks for your encouragement!
What a truthful post! As a single mom I can relate to feeling disappointed in this way. Being given advice like “stay in the Word” is not helpful. I’m already in the Word daily. Then to be asked what my plans are for Christmas and when I say I’ll be alone to have them go on about their own plans with their family. Depressing. The big thing I’ve found is the way Christians put so much into their own families and that’s good but they often do not extend that reach to their neighbor. I am venting and don’t want to sound whiny…I also have found some amazing relationships with other women. I find I have mostly been disappointed by the insular nature of most families.
You’re not whining Laura, you’re sharing your perspective, and we need that. We need to know what we’re missing when it comes to being aware of the needs around us. My family and I have spent most of our years living far away from extended family. I’ve experienced exactly what you’re talking about.
Thanks for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts!
I am that “tired mom,” so I can honestly say, these are awesome ideas! Especially the part about offering specific help. That “let me know what I can do to help” just doesn’t work! Maybe the reason why a lot of people don’t do this is because it was never modeled to them and so it doesn’t occur to them to do it. Hopefully, when another tired mom is in my midst, I will have the eyes to see, and do something about it. To “look up” as you say. 🙂
Thank you Becky, I’m so glad to have feedback from someone who is there right now. I was concerned that maybe the ideas I offered weren’t “enough”. I pray that God will inspire the people near you to give you the help and friendship that you need in this season.
This is just excellent. I pinned it to my board on Sheltering Mothers. I am passionate about helping the younger women with practical help. Yes, they need prayer. But putting feet to prayers can be such a blessing. I love that you included the dad, too.
Thank you Pamela, it always gives me a boost of confidence to get such nice feedback. I have to admit that sometimes I wonder, as I hit “publish” if I’m just spewing out words, words that won’t be helpful to anyone. And I never want to do that! (Ain’t nobody got time for that, right?)
So I appreciate your encouragement and your specific feedback. Thanks so much!
Years ago, when I had my second child, I struggled for a couple of years. I was tired, depressed, and lonely. Our pastor paired me with an elderly lady who would come in to sit with the kids while I went out for awhile…just for a walk, shopping without kids, etc. She was a grandma figure to my kids and a blessing to me. Fast-forward about 23 years and I was struggling again…in the house alone, with my kids off at school 500 miles away. I missed them so much. I also remembered my vow to pay it forward to some other young mom who could use a break. It started with me offering to watch four little ones while their parents went out for a once – a – month date. I totally fell in love with those sweet little girls. (I call it practice for being a grandma!) A couple of years later, the little girls welcomed a baby brother. This young mom is amazing…she is busy at home, home schooling her little ones, cloth diapers, making home made healthy meals. She does so much better with her five than I feel I did with only two! Her hubby works late three nights a week. When the baby was born, I offered to come over right after work and help with the kids. I love it! I do whatever she needs me to do…dishes, feeding the baby, bath time duty, game and story time. I love cuddling with the little ones and laughing with the older ones. Honestly, I feel as if I get so much more out of the deal than I offer. I still work full time, but my evening with the kiddos is the highlight of my week! I highly recommend this arrangement to others. It is a great way to reach out to the younger generation. We have so much to offer each other if we only reach out to bridge the generation gap. And, with so many people who are far from extended family, it is a great way to meet the needs that each generation used to have met with family settling around where they grew up.
Kim,
I’m so thankful that you took the time to share your story with us. This is exactly how it’s supposed to be! What a beautiful story, and I love how you feel like you are getting the better end of the deal! I would be thrilled to see this kind of thing playing out much more often!
Thank you, Beth. I would love to see this happening more often in our churches and communities, too. When you are that young mom, you don’t want to ask for help. To ask is like admitting failure. Likewise, often the older generation feels hesitant to offer to help. People of both generations are so busy and self-absorbed these days. We have lost the sense of community and family. Young couples are often far from extended family or if they are nearby, grandma is working full time. With jobs moving people about the country frequently, you often barely know the older or younger couples in our church. I’m busy too. Working full time leaves little energy for much else. But, honestly, that few hours I spend weekly with the kiddos is my absolute favorite time of the week. I can leave work dog-tired and longing for the couch. But, if it’s Wednesday night, I head over to spend time with the kids. The stress of the day just falls away when I walk in the door and hear their gleeful greetings. Love your website. Just came across it recently. I plan on sharing it with others!
I agree with all that you said. Another issue is that in larger churches they tend to segregate by age. I understand to some extent, and I do enjoy visiting with people who are in the same stage of life as me. But the problem is that when we do that, there is very little mentoring going on. Just a bunch of blind leading the blind and older people going to the theater together. We need to be in groups of mixed ages so that the younger and older can get to know each other and bless each other, just like you and the mom you help are being mutually blessed.
Let’s keep praying for and advocating for more of this!
Good point!
What a beautiful way to bless a mom who needs help and to get out of your comfort zone!
You shared so many great ideas. I loved the part about asking “when” do you want help and not the open-ended “if.” You’re absolutely right that most moms won’t ever ask.
I’m sharing this article. Thank you for writing it.
Hi Harriet!
So glad you liked it and found it useful. I know how hard it is to accept help, so we need to make it as easy as possible for people to say “Yes”!
Thanks for sharing!